@TedOfficialPage: What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ''Tim hurt one monkey... he feels bad."
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@djdarrellripley: Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street? Me: I was only going one way...
@LuckoftheDraw86: Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed. One-Night-Stand: It doesn't work like that... Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
@torrami: Doughnut boxes advertise "ZERO TRANS FAT" as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
@reinert03: Somebody left a baby at my front door today, and I have no idea what to do with it. I just hope it's gone by tomorrow.