What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
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*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.