What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
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Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs