What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
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WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Kids, do not try this at home!
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.