What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
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Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.