What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
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If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent