@Tylerosis: What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we're not around?
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
@Donnie_Fairburn: One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
@SortaBad: Me: how old is your daughter? Person: she's 31 months Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
@theshamingofjay: "Sit" dog sits "Down" dog lays down on floor "Play Dead" dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids