@markleggett: What if birds have tiny human-like ears underneath their feathers? That's certainly something to think about, but not during sex.
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@TheWoodenslurpy: Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss Friend: You would? Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
@hrtbps: The Grammar Nazis burst in. "We know you're harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies" "There ain't no Jews here!" "Double negative! Search the attic, boys"
@_NinJar: A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
@murrman5: I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift