What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
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Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME