@BrogaPants: what if "chicken patty" is just short for "chicken patricia"
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@Nikkeya08: Mom 1: My son's gonna be a pro baseball player Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
@UnicornSyrup: Whenever people say "anything is possible", I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
@sock_holliday: [Doctor's Office] Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live. Me: What's the good news? Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week
@Kalarlis: sir i need to confiscate all the ice cream in your store yes this is just a costume & i'm not a real cop but no one told me i'm pretty today