what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
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me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
PLOT TWIST:
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Always…
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush