what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.