What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
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Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again