What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
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Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside