What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
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GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other