what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
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A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Beware of the dog..
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.