what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
You Might Also Like
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.