Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
You Might Also Like
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.