Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
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Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I know a bad idea when I see one.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.