What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
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me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Go hard or stay average
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
tis the season
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.