What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
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I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
nature’s most graceful animal
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake