PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
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Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”