Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
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If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.