@HeyZeus666: What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I'll never hear the end of it.
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@ElKnuckelhombre: My neighbor's looking at me like she's never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what's with the screaming? And the golf club?!
@Book_Krazy: ME: [whispering]"Yes, 911? Someone's breaking into my house!" 911: Stay calm. Do you have an address? ME: "um no. I have on pajamas"
@tastefactory: PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
@Vice_Queen: Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.