@HeyZeus666: What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I'll never hear the end of it.
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@thejessbess: (interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?
@aveuaskew: When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting "I'm pregnant" to random numbers.
@walks_on_legs: Interview tip: maintain eye contact. If they try to look at documents, put your head between them and the documents.
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: I can’t run as fast as everybody else. Me: Why not? 3-year-old: I don’t have enough feet.