What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
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I will cook for you
-me, threatening
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
You wish you had this many chins.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job