@ilikeyouguys: What if gravity...was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
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@BlindChow: [unleashes dog at dog park] me: don't embarrass me now dog: i won't *sees pretty girl* me: hi, i'm– dog: he drinks wine through a straw
@Parentpains: "I don't understand the value in seeing a therapist." - People who haven't spent time with me yet.
@WildeThingy: [re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] "come to me baby, and jump, and oops... You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear."
@KevinFarzad: "Is it long enough to reach most people's beds?" "Yes." "Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter." -Apple, creating the iPhone charger.