What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
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Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.