What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
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“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Selfie
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
i think we should see other cousins
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?