Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
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wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I’ve been drinking.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it