Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday