What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
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I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy