What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
You Might Also Like
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Mouse
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…