What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
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Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
waiting for halloween be like:
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
If looks could kill
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.