“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
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If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
This is a true ally.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”