@UrMindBlown: What if im actually attractive and hot girls just think im out of their league?
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@tchrquotes: Wife: I'm going to grab some dinner, you want anything? Me: No thanks, I'm stuffed. Wife: Ok, I'm going to Taco... Me: I'll have 9 tacos.
@kumailn: It's fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.
@TheHyyyype: [i'm on the ship's deck, dragging around a board by a rope] PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that's not what i meant by "walk the plank"
@murrman5: *texts son "dont say me" as wife heads to his bedroom* wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?