what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
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I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
let’s discuss
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic