People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
it’s the silliest best thing
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.