What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
You Might Also Like
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️