@IntrepidDeviant: What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
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@gerryhallcomedy: Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
@shamans_heal: Pro Tip: If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
@KalvinMacleod: POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u *holds up picture of himself* ME: yes POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet ME: dang it
@badbanana: I'll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.