what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
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Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.