what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
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I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.