The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
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don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Had an epiphany today.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Body by cheese-puffs.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out