Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
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You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Breaking news:
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.