My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
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me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone