gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”