*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
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Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Google assistant rules
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Camping tip: No.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
lmao
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”