Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
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wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?