@MaritalFauxPas: What if sun screen is really just a seasoning rub created by aliens.
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@Tmoney68: Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this. *dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap* M: I have never been happier in my life.
@green_eyed_doll: Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
@JohnLyonTweets: [parent-teacher conference] Teacher: Which kid is yours? Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'?
@rickkondell: That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.