@MaritalFauxPas: What if sun screen is really just a seasoning rub created by aliens.
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@hotdogsladies: Conjecture: At some point in 2013, our neighbors will get so high that they accidentally sell their own weed. For weed money. To buy weed.
@benicus_rex: Why is millennial humor so weird, why can't they do normal humor like about a coyote trying to use a rocket launcher to kill a bird
@Fred_Delicious: "Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?" "you mean cheese?" [waiter struggling to keep bowl covered] "that does make more sense actually"
@gaynorlsimpson: Therapist: what's your problem today? Me: I have this constant eye roll. Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.