I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
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when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Happy birthday to all the women
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him