what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
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Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.