I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
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I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
#Caturday
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.