What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
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We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids