What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
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Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.