Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
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[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me