haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
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I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.