vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
You’ll be OK
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future