if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
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Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.