Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
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*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.